Blue Moon
by Kelaiah
Summary: PARODY Swartt Sixclaw sits alone one night, wishing that his dead wife, Bluefen, were back in his arms. He gets a lot more than he bargained for... a Mary-Sue, a raging bespecticled ferret, a roaring audience, and a tazering badger.
1. The Return of Swartt's Wife

**A/N:** I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any canon characters in any way, shape, or form. I do, unfortunately, own any OC you'll see. (sigh)

* * *

Swart Sixclaw the warlrd sat huddled at teh edge of a blakc lake, bemouning the loss of his beuatiufl wife, BLuefen. Shiviering and pulling his claok about his muscle-ly arms, Swarrt remembered howe warm she was whenever he woke up int eh middle of the night to see heer sleepign there her breath was so comforting... 

The warlorda sniffed, and whped away at his eyes, wich were threatineing to spill tears, but they came any way, cascading down his handsomea face and steraking his war parint.

_Bluefen..._

Swartlooked up at the sky which was the blackst he'd aever seen, witha lot of brighitng shinging stars like diamonds and glittering, and thought heow they 'd look it the beautiful blue eyes of his deceased wife...

Swartt sniffed, adn saw a shooting star in teh sky, the only thing more radiatna would've been BLuefn then that stars...

_Please bering BLuefe backa to me..._ Swartt wisehd at the star...

Sudednly he saw her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLuefen! Shwe waws baack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There she was stood att eh edge of the lake glowing ing the moonlight liek some ehtereal moongoddess, her big hugek eyes bluer tthan sappphires wth the longests eyelshes and her sleek smoth glossy shiny fure golden-white as the sun. She was wearing a gortgoeus blue dresse with gold felcks and jewelsand looked very very pretty beautiful.

Swartt ajumped up and rushed over to her adn engulfed her slender form into hsi large, burly musuclar arms adn began ksising her passionately --

**_"AAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_** screeched a voice.

Both Swartt and Bluefen broke away from each other in startlement and turned to see --

-- Bluefen.

Only she didn't look like the Bluefen standing besides Swartt, oh no, her eyes were a nice, normal shade of blue, and were not overly large nor framed in overly long lashes. As for her fur, it was a normal cream color, with a few hairs out of place, but all in all her pelt was still very nice. Plus, she was also wearing a slightly tattered dress made from rough gray-blue material that had a few stains on it from travelling great distances. She didn't glow or shine or glitter like the ferretmaid besides Swartt, and she looked completely and utterly murderous.

_"Swartt!"_ she cried, coming over, her eyes snapping with fire. _"What in the name of hellgates do you think you're doing?!"_

Swartt could only stare, baffled, back and forth between his two wives.

Bluefen continued on, her normally solemn face writhing with fury. "First you kill my father and - oh, don't try to deny you killed him, any moron could see that you had something to do with it! Course I really can't say I was sad at his death because we weren't close, Daddy and me (or is it I?) and I had no real proof that you did it, so I could only shrug and be your wife, but _here you are!"_ she thundered, gesturing at the radiantly glowing ferretmaid. "In the arms of another, as though I'm not good enough for you! Well I've had it! I can put up with you and your arrogance and your bad temper and your bullying and your crazy vixen Nightshade, but _this is the last straw!"_

Bluefen's screaming had aroused the attention of the horde, and pretty soon all the hordebeasts had surrounded the three ferrets, all of them staring wide-eyed at the scene. Except for Nightshade, who was staring intently at the ferretmaid at Swartt's side.

Finally the vixen went up to Bluefen and placed a soothing paw on her lady's shoulder, whispering, "My lady, I think I know what's going on here."

Bluefen whirled on the seer, throwing her paw off. "Oh you do, do you?! Well, what tipped you off? Your visions?!" she sneered.

Nightshade stared at Bluefen in surprised indignation for a moment, but then she shook her head. "It's alright, this is the way how they affect you. . . ."

"What?! What affects me?!" demanded Bluefen.

"That ferretmaid," Nightshade said, pointing at the maid right next to Swartt. "She's a Mary Sue."

Everybeast present gasped. Even Bluefen looked shocked.

The first beast to recover was the ferretmaid. "I'm NOT a Mary Sue! How dare you insult me in such a way, you icky foxy!"

Nightshade gave Bluefen a look at the ferretmaid's pitiful attempt at an insult. "See what I mean?"

Bluefen nodded before turning to Swartt and the ferretmaid with a dark glare. "Get offa my husband, Sue!"

_"No!"_ the ferretmaid said, taking a hold of Swartt's sinewy arm. "He's mine! And you're not supposed to be here! You're supposed to be _dead!_ That's the way it works in this fic, and Swartt is going to mistake me for you, only I explain that I'm not and I join the horde and save Swartt's life multiple times and he ends up seeing the error of his ways and -"

"STOP," said Bluefen. "Just _stop._ I cannot _begin_ to tell you how many plotholes there are in that!"

Just then Marbul the weasel came forward. "Hmmmm," he said, rubbing his chin. "It seems like you've really got a big problem on your paws there, Lady Bluefen."

"Aye," said Scarback, a slow grin spreading over his face. "And I know a certain ferret who might be able to help us!"

The weasel grinned knowingly at the rest of the horde, and they set up a chant: "KEL-_LY!_ KEL-_LY!_ KEL-_LY!_ KEL-_LY!_ KEL-_LY!_ KEL-_LY!_ KEL-_LY!_ KEL-_LY!"_

And suddenly the whole backdrop of a night-time forest was pulled away like a stage prop and in its place sprung up a studio with chairs and a live audience which the horde quickly took place in. A whole bunch of security badgers came out and seized Swartt and the Sue, Swartt being patted down with _lots_ of male-make-up, the Sue being sprayed down so she wouldn't enchant any members of the audience with her Sparklypoo.

Bluefen, however, was merely hurried out onto the stage and seated on a comfortable chair, where she was powered a bit merely so there wouldn't be any unnecessary shine. The ferretmaid looked about her in wonder, and suddenly a tall, skinny male ferret wearing rectangular glasses came out holding a lazer-looking-thing.

He shook her paw, smiling. "Hi, I'm Kelaiah, and I'll be your host."

* * *

**A/N:** I'd like to point out that in the beginning, that's how my typing would look if I didn't go back over it to fix it up. ;) 

Cheers, mateys!


	2. Bluefen's Tale

**A/N:** I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any canon characters in any way, shape, or form. (Nor do I own Ara the pine marten, who is property of LittlePsychoWolf) I do, unfortunately, own the Sue that is causing havoc with the Sixclaws. (sigh)

* * *

Bluefen stared up at the male ferret. "Wait a minute," she said slowly. "I know you. You were that host on that one dating show!" 

_"Sssshhhhh!"_ hissed Kelaiah. "You're not supposed to know that!"

"Why not?" asked Bluefen in a genuinely innocent way.

"Because then it would be bad for the fic, that's why!" the male hissed back, glancing back at the audience that was piling into their seats.

A female pine marten with a headset came out. "Okay, Kel, we're on in five!"

"Thanks, Ara!" Kelaiah called. He then dialed a little switch on his lazer-looking-thing, making it into a microphone.

"Wow," said Bluefen, watching him. "You weren't kidding when you said that lazer wasn't just a lazer."

_"Sssshhhhh!"_ returned Kel, waving his paw furiously at her.

The pine marten, Ara, came out again. "On in _five!"_ she called, holding up five claws and counting down._ "Four! Three! Two!"_ she stopped and pointed at Kelaiah.

* * *

The entire audince erupted with cheers without being pumped with glee - not like how they did on the Jay Leno (or however you spell his name) Show; the author would like to point out very quickly that he was on that show - NOT as a guest, but as an audience member, and all these people kept entertaining the audience so they'd be all pumped up with glee whenever they're supposed to clap whenever they come back from a commercial - on THIS show, however, such things were not needed because the author had fanfiction on his side and could therefore get the audience to clap and cheer without any of that junk. 

The audience began to chant: "KEL-_LY!_ KEL-_LY! _KEL-_LY!_ KEL--"

**_"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME 'KELLY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_** SCREECHED KELAIAH, USING THE SAME "ANGRY-CAPS" MODE THAT WERE MADE FAMOUS BY ABBESS SONGBREEZE HERSELF. **_"YOU MAY CALL ME 'KELAIAH', 'KEL', OR 'YOUR MAJESTY', BUT YOU MUST NEVER, EVER, EVER CALL ME 'KELLY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_**

That quieted the audience down.

"Thank you," Kelaiah said calmly. Suddenly a big smile spread across his face. "And on today's show," he said perkily, giving no hint to his outburst. "We have a guest who says she's got a 'Mary Sue' problem."

The audience booed.

Kelaiah turned to Bluefen with a sympathetic look. "Why don't you tell us all about, Mrs. Sixclaw?" He held out the lazer-turned-microphone to her.

"Oh, um," said Bluefen, leaning forward a bit towards the mic. "Well, it just now happened - I was going down to the lake to do the laundry when- when- I saw-" She faltered in her speech.

"Go on," Kel urged.

Bluefen swallowed and gasped out, "I saw my husband kissing another!"

That little piece of info made the audience erupt into indignant shouts and "boos".

Kelaiah shook his head. "Eh, dear, dear. And this other maid . . . she was the Sue?"

Bluefen nodded. "Yes, and she has these _horrible_ plans! She's going to make it so that Swartt and I were. . . ." the ferretmaid choked, but managed to gasp out with a shudder, "in _love!_ And then Swartt was going to go on and on angsting about how much he . . . he . . . _missed_ me, and then he was going to mistake her for me, and then he would - _kiss_ her, and then she'd explain that she's not me, but she ends up in his horde and they end up falling in love and he recants his evil ways and . . . and . . . there's just so many plotholes in it I can barely think!" the ferretmaid cried, clutching at her head.

The audience muttered darkly at the Sue's storyline; they too could hardly believe how many plotholes were it there!

Kelaiah shook his head once again. "I don't blame you. But what is the _main_ thing that you have to say about all this?"

Bluefen looked up, her eyes narrowed and her shoulders squared. "Swartt may have killed my father, but my father and I were not close, so I really can't find it in myself to be very bitter towards Swartt. And Swartt may be a lazy, arrogant, scum-like bully. . . ."

The ferretmaid trailed off dramatically, causing the audience to lean forward to hear what she had to say.

". . . but he's MY lazy, arrogant, scum-like bully!"

The audience cheered.

Kelaiah grinned. "Okay," he said after the cheering had died down. "Okay, if you had Swartt right here, right now, what do you think you would want to say to him?"

"I'd say to him," Bluefen growled, showing off her fangs. "'Swartt, I want you to decide right now! It's either _her_ . . . or ME!'"

The audience not only cheered but stood up and clapped heartily.

"Well," said Kelaiah after the audience finally settled down. "You're in luck, Mrs. Sixclaw, because your husband is backstage, waiting to come out so we can hear his side of the story!"

The audience cheered and roared, "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Bluefen sat up a little straighter but nonetheless seemed composed enough.

Kelaiah spoke into the microphone. "Swartt, c'mon out!"

As soon as the warlord came out on stage, he was bombarded with candy wrappers and rotten tomatoes and toilet paper and other such things.

"OW!" shouted Swartt. "Watch the cabbages!"

The warlord dashed to Bluefen's side, figuring that they'd stop throwing lest they accidently hit her as well. He guessed right. As soon as he was beside his wife, the audience stopped throwing things for the sake of not hitting Bluefen.

"Hmph!" said the audience, displeased that they couldn't throw more stuff at him.

Swartt flicked off some of the toliet paper clinging to his shoulder before taking his wife's paw.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" said many of the audience. The rest went, "Yeeech!"

"So Swartt," said Kelaiah. "Bluefen tells us she saw you in the arms of another."

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said the audience.

Swartt flushed. "It was a Mary Sue! She overpowered me! It was like I had no control, she made me think and feel things I never felt before!"

The audience began muttering among themselves; as much as they hated Swartt, there was no denying that he was a victim here. Of course, that didn't mean they had to stop hating him, right? . . . well, for now anyway. . . .

Bluefen was watching Swartt closely; sure, she believed him when he said he had no control, but . . . did he still enjoy it?

As though reading her thoughts, Swartt turned to Bluefen and said, "But you know you're the only female I could ever be with, right, Bluefen?" he added, giving her paw a squeeze.

Bluefen looked into Swartt's eyes and saw no guile or deceit. She smiled. "Of course I believe you," she said, kissing him.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" said the audience.

However, as soon as their lips parted, Bluefen looked entirely miffed.

"But there's still the issue with that Sue!" the ferretmaid said, before any questions could be asked. "She's still going to go after my man, and I am not going to allow that!"

The audience cheered, and Swartt looked relieved that his wife wasn't angry about his kissing abilities.

Kelaiah nodded and smiled. "Well, Bluefen, looks like its about the right time to tell you that the Sue is backstage waiting to come out."

The audience cheered.

Swartt suddenly looked nervous, whereas Bluefen suddenly looked _very _evil.

_"But,"_ said Kel, prompting a groan from the audience. "We will get to that after these messages! Stay tuned!"

* * *

**A/N:** What will Bluefen do when confronted by her Mary-Sue-arch-nemisis? 

What will Swartt do when in the presence of the delightfully (that is, disgustingly) perfect Sue?

Will the Sixclaw's "love" for each other endure the Power of the Sue?

Will the audience never chant: "KEL_-LY!_ KEL-_LY!_ KEL_-LY!"_ again?

Does anybeast out there think that Kelaiah is dashingly handsome?! (Ah, heh heh, ignore that last one.)

Find out in the next chapter!

**Bluefen:** Which you have not written yet.

**Kel:** . . . . . . . . . oh, shut up!

Oh, and by the way, if you would like to be an audience member, please PM me your character and please tell me what they look like and what you would like them to say or do (or both) to the characters (within reason, that is).

* * *


	3. Commercial

**A/N:** I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any canon characters in any way, shape, or form. (Nor do I own any of the Redwall-alter-egos that guys submitted to me, thank you very much) I do, unfortunately, own the Sue bothering the Sixclaws. (sigh)

And yes, this is a commercial, not the next chapter, and yes, I'm evil, but hey, how many Redwall Talk Shows have you read that haven't had commercials?! ;)

* * *

"Oh, Sister Sage! There you are!" 

The chubby Sister looked up from her sewing to see Treerose, the pretty young red squirrelmaid, coming towards her with a large bundle of robes.

"Ah, yes dear, what do you need?" Sage asked, smiling up at the young squirrel.

"Would you take these all in, please?" Treerose asked, piling the robes on the Sister's lap.

_"All_ of them?" Sage said, raising her eyebrows.

"Well. . . ." said Treerose, twiddling her paws, grinning. "It's the woodland summercream pudding, and the strawberry cake with pink icing, and the apple plum pie. . . ."

The rotund Sister then began to smile and nod understandably; she too had once been a slim young mousemaid before she fell out of love with her sweetheart Hubert and into love with food.

". . . and the pear jam and the candied turnovers," finished Treerose, hunching up her shoulders, grinning even wider.

"So you need these all taken out?" Sage said, picking up one of the garments.

"No no, in," said Treerose.

"Out," said Sage, nodding.

"Uh, in," said Treerose.

"Out."

The squirrel gave the Sister a look.

Sage blinked and stopped smiling.

"No," said Treerose, stepping back and spreading her arms. _"In." _The squirrel was just as slim as she'd always been . . . perhaps even slimmer. . . .

* * *

**Announcer:** Redwall Feast Yogurt! Have all your favorite Redwall dish flavors with only 100 calories! It only _tastes_ fattening!

* * *

"Uh, o-out?" hesistated Sage, her brow furrowing. 

"Okay, I was just outside," said Treerose, gesturing at the door, "and then I came in, so if you could just. . . ." she narrowed her paws together, meaning for Sage to take her dresses _in._

_

* * *

_

**A/N:** I don't know why, but for some reason that is my favorite commercial. I don't know why, it just is. And it seemed suitable for Redwall, so yeah. . . .

DON'T give me those looks! The next chapter is coming! It's coming! Keep yer tunics on, mates! ;)


	4. Saphyre Riverjewel Bluerose

**A/N:** I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any canon characters in any way, shape, or form. (Nor do I own any of the Redwall-alter-egos that guys submitted to me, thank you very much) I do, unfortunately, own Sappyhre Riverjewel Bluerose. (sigh)

Also, a lot of the humor and dialouge here belongs to LittlePsyhcoWolf, so give her some credit. :)

* * *

"Annnnnnnnnnnndddddddddd we're back!" shouted Kelaiah, and the audience went wild. 

"KEL-_LY!_ KEL-_LY!_ KEL-!"

_**"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME 'KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**_ ROARED KELAIAH. _**"I TOLD YOU BEFORE, ITS EITHER 'KEL', 'KELAIAH', OR 'YOUR MAJESTY', BUT YOU MUST **__**NEVER**__** EVER**__** EVER**__** CALL ME 'KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**_

The audience settled down.

"Thank you," said Kelaiah very calmly. Then he said grinned and said perkily, "Now then, right before we took off, we learned that the Sixclaws are being bothered by a Mary Sue, and that that same Mary Sue was about to come out on stage."

The audience cheered excitedly.

"Now then-" Kelaiah began to say, but then one of the security badgers began tapping his shoulders. "What? What is it?" the ferret hissed, annoyed at the interruption.

The huge male badger put his muzzle close to Kel's ear and began whispering something that appeared to be quite urgent.

Kel listened for awhile before he arched one eyebrow (Ara the pine marten noticed this and snorted in jealousy), and then gave the badger a nod before turning towards the audience.

"Steve here just informed me that many of you are in possession of weapons. Obviously you were all prepared in case the Sue were to come out, right?"

"Yes!" the audience replied cheerfully, eagering polishing their blades.

"I'm sorry," Kelaiah said seriously. "But weapons are not allowed on this show."

_"What?!"_ objected the audience, but Kel lifted his lazer-thingy and _**zap**_ all the weapons were gone.

_"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_ shouted the indignant audience.

"Don't worry," Kelaiah yelled over their outraged howls. "You'll get them back after the show is over. Relax, relax, have no fear, you'll get them back."

The audience settled down, though most them continued grumbling.

"Now then," the male ferret went on. "We were going to have the Sue come out just now, weren't we? So _bring out the Sue!"_

And out she came.

* * *

Never before was there a lovelier ferretmaid.

Or, for that matter, one _equally_ lovely.

This ferretmaid was the most beautiful creature ever to walk the planet (she did, after all, resemble Bluefen, didn't she?).

Her humongous orbs put sapphires to shame with their unearthly blueness and glittered like a thousand diamonds held up to a clear midnight summer sky. Her fur was softer and smoother than silk with not one hair out of place, and was a creamy golden-white in color, and shone very brightly. Her svelte, fragile frame was swathed in magnificent blue robes embroidered with gold and silver and precious stones and pearls, the garment flattering every part of her perfect body.

Had the Sue not been sprayed down, her Sparklypoo would've charmed all the audience members as soon as they saw her, but she _had_ been sprayed down, so the audience was able to do this:

_**"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**_

One of the audience members, a female Pure Ferret with a bandana and a slash through one eye, jumped up from her seat and pelted the Sue with a few leftover tomatoes from earlier, as well as a few scrapped fanfics.

Unfortunately, the stuff only fell off of the Sue and didn't stain her, something that obviously really teed the ferretmaid (who was dragged back to her seat by the badger security). The Sue continued to gracefully walk over to the seat next to Swartt and tried to take his arm, but Bluefen yanked him out of reach, hissing at her Sue-antagonist.

Sniffing at Bluefen, the Sue turned and smiled at Kelaiah, showing off two rows of teeth that were like two strings of pearls.

"Hello, Kelaiah!" she said, her voice so sweet that it would've put nightingales to shame.

Kel turned towards the audience with a comically sickened look before looking back at the Sue to ask a few questions.

"Mary Sue," he began. "Why have y-"

_"Don't call me 'Mary Sue'!"_ snapped the Sue. "My name is not 'Mary Sue'! It's Saphyre Riverjewel Bluerose!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever," Kelaiah said, waving his paw. "Why have yo-"

"I will not be treated any less than deity!" cried the Su- er, "Saphyre Riverjewel Bluerose".

Kelaiah stared at her for awhile as the audience booed her.

"Okay, fine," he said, waving for the audience to shut up. "Now then, why have you disrupted the relationship between the Sixclaws?"

Once again the audience booed.

"I didn't disrupt anything!" Saphyre said, giving her beautiful head a toss.

"Bluefen says she saw you kissing her husband."

**"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"** said the audience, louder than ever.

Saphyre's sapphire (no pun intended) eyes widened and clouded over and became a periwinkle-ish color. "Bluefen was supposed to be _dead _for that fic . . . and Swartt was supposed to be grieving for her and would wish upon a star that she would come back to him and then he would see me, a travelling warriormaid, and would mistake me for her because I just so happen to look like her and then he'd kiss me but then I'd break myself free and then we would swordfight and then afterwards after I wound him I heal his wounds out of the kindess of my golden heart and then after he asks me 'Bluefen, why did you do that?' I explain to him that I'm not Bluefen and that he's made a terrible mistake but then he'd take me back to his horde anyway as his personal healer and I'd end up becoming his closest friend and I save his life multiple times from all the rebels who are still loyal to Bowfleg and in the end he ends up recanting his evil ways because my goodness showed him the light, and then-"

It was right about here when one of the audience members, a brown-furred, blue-eyed ottermaid by the name of Aelin Wordsmith, took out her sling (which Kelaiah's lazer had failed to make disappear because he had only been thinking of swords and axes at the time and had not taken slings into account) and, whirling it high above her head, sent a nice large stone aimed at Saphyre.

Unfortunately, the otter's aim was a little off, and so she ended up hitting Swartt on the footpaw.

_"EEEEEEYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_ screeched Swartt, hoping about on one footpaw, clutching at his injured one.

Aelin cursed mildly and tried to reload her sling but she was set upon by the badger security and was promptly dragged out of the studio kicking and screaming, although the audience was cheering for her.

"-and then the two of us would end up living together peacefully in Noonvale where we meet the descendants of Brome," continued Saphyre as though there had been no interruption. "And that would be the end except for the epilouge where Swartt and I join paws as we watch our children pick flowers and play with each other and Brome's descendants and reminscence about our wedding and kiss and then go inside and then there'd be a sequel where our daughter goes on an adventure of her own-"

Just then another audience member, a pudgy hedgehog wearing a green plaid kilt by the name of Isaac, stood up and yelled, "Ach, giver yer yap, ye great big stupid lump of a Sue!"

_"DON'T CALL ME A 'SUE'!"_ screeched Saphyre, her eyes lighting with a dazzlingly blue fire. _"I'M NOT A SUE, YOU SILLY HEDGEPIG!"_

"Yes, you are!" snapped another audience member, a reddish-orange squirrel by the name of Blazefur. "You are a pathetic excuse for an OC!"

Saphyre glared at the squirrel and said, "Does your mother know your here?!"

Blazefur, who was ten seasons old, blushed, and yelled, "I can bash Sues if I want, I don't need my mum's permission!"

"Now everybeast, calm down," said Kelaiah in a cool, soothing voice.

"Huh, you should talk!" retorted Blazefur. "The way how you lose your temper whenever somebeast calls you 'Kelly'-"

_**"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME 'KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**_ ROARED KELAIAH.

_"Kelly Kelly Kell _- AUGH!!!"

Kelaiah had jammed his lazer-turned-tazer into the young squirrel's chest.

"Ahem," the skinny ferret said as Blazefur crumbled into a lump of smoking fur. "Let's continue on, shall we?"

"Yes, let's!" said Saphyre, spreading her lovely skirts in a dainty, ladylike fashion.

"So anyway," Kelaiah said, turning to the audience. "It seems as though we've heard both sides of the story: Bluefen is indignant that Saphyre made Swartt fall in love with her, and Saphyre wishes to turn Swartt to light-"

"That's the cheesiest thing I ever heard!" shouted a teenage male red squirrel by the name of Scirus. "Y'know, Kelaiah, if you hadn't taken away our weapons we could be killing her off right now!"

"Ach, now there's a beastie after me own heart!" Isaac the highland hedgehog said. The two of them shared a high-five.

Kelaiah scowled. "Look, it's for your own personal safety that weapons are dissallowed-"

Both Isaac and Scirus interrupted with shouts like "Oh, c'mon!" and "Own personal safety? Killing off the Sue so we wouldn't've had to listen to that story-tellin' of 'er's, that's what I calls personal safety!" and "Are you sure you know what you're doing up there, _Kelly?"_

That last comment made Kelaiah go, _**"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME 'KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**_

And with that, the irate ferret zapped at the squirrel and hedgehog, and the next thing either of them knew they were gagged and bound to their chairs.

"MMRF! MRF MRRF!" said Scirus.

"MMMRRRRRFFFF! RRRFFFF!" said Isaac.

Kelaiah nodded in a satisfied way and continued on with obviously strained perkiness.

"Why don't we take some questions from the audience, shall we?" Kelaiah said. "Um, let's see. You miss," he said, looking at a female ermine with golden-brown fur. "What's your name?"

"Kyra."

"Okay, then, Kyra, do you have anything you want to ask our guests?"

"Well, actually, I have more of a comment then a question. Something I'd like to say to the 3th3r3al m00ng0dd355."

Kelaiah blinked at the ermine; how the heck did she do that?!

Ignoring Kelaiah, Kyra turned to Saphyre and said, speaking into the ferret's microphone, "You know, I was a Sue once. Now I'm just a half-Sue. And I would like to say . . . NO! I WAS NEVER LIKE YOU! Okay, maybe I was . . . but I'm not anymore!" And with that, the female ermine calmly sat back down into her seat.

"Um," said Kelaiah. "Okay, um . . . why don't we take a few more questions? Um, how about you, miss? You were throwing tomatoes earlier, weren't you?" Kelaiah asked, going over to the female Pure Ferret. She had a bandana on her head and a slash through one eye.

"Yes, I was," the ferretmaid said.

"Could you tell us your name, please?" Kelaiah asked, putting his lazer-turned-microphone near her mouth.

"Liliot. 'Lil' fer short."

"Alright, do you have any questions for our guests on stage?"

"Well, not really, 'cept I happen to agree with the squirrel and hedgehog - if you'd let us keep our weapons we would've been rid of the Sue right now!"

_"DON'T CALL ME A SUE!"_ shouted Saphyre. _"I'M NOT A SUE!"_

"Oh yes you absoblinkin' are!" Lil retorted. "Anybeast can see from that little speech that you made earlier that y'are!"

Saphyre glared regally down at the other (_"And much less pretty,"_ Saphyre's mutated mind added) ferretmaid. "What speech? You mean my intended storyline? Ha! You're just jealous because I'm a so much more _interesting _and _in-depth_ character than you are!"

_"What?!"_ cried Bluefen. "No you're not! You're not interesting or in-depth in any way possible!"

Saphyre turned her annoying superior glare to Bluefen, a slight trace of a smirk about her perfect lips. "You're just jealous because Swartt loves me more than he'll ever love _you."_

Bluefen stood up, eyes flaming.

"Uh oh," said Kelaiah. "Uh, folks? I think we'll take a sh-short break after these messag- AUGH!" the male ferret just barely ducked in time to avoid the flying chair.

* * *

**A/N:** Special thanks to all those who submitted a character and to LittlePsychoWolf whose humorous PMs will be showing up in when we come back! ;) 

Stay tuned! ;D (And don't worry, I know how I want this to end, never fear!)


	5. Another Commercial

**A/N:** I do not own Redwall, nor the idea for this commercial - Redwall belongs to Brian Jacques, and the commercial idea belongs to Snuffsnuff. (Thanks, Snuffie!)

* * *

"Now then," said Cluny the Scourge to his army. "Those are the plans. Follow them exactly and Redwall Abbey will be our's tonight!"

Just then, one of the horderats looked up. "Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Chief, could you repeat those instructions again? I wasn't listening."

Cluny stared slack-jawed at the unwitting rat. Then his long, poison-tipped tail whipped forward and seized the poor rat about the neck, dragging him forward.

"YOU USELESS IMBECILE!" the warlord roared, and was just about to slay the blubbering vermin when all of the sudden-

**_"WAAAIIIT!!!"_**

Cluny paused, caught off guard. He turned and looked at Redtooth, who had spoken.

"Chief, what are you doing?!" he cried, staring at his leader with wide eyes.

Cluny stared right back, thunderstruck at his second-in-commands words and actions, but before he could say a word, Redtooth was speaking again.

"Don't cha realize that'll be the fifteenth horderat you've slain today?"

Cluny blinked and narrowed his eyes, his jaw still hanging open.

"Why, at the rate you're goin'," Redtooth continued, "you won't have an army to take over Redwall with!"

Finally Cluny found his voice. "Well, when yer a warlord, its hard to keep yer temper in check when you have to deal with so many idiots!" he snapped, glaring down at the cringing rat on the ground.

"But not to worry!" Redtooth said in a suddenly perky, commercially sort of way, getting Cluny's attention again. "I have just what you need!" He pulled out something from behind him. "Here you go!" he said cheerfully, holding it out in his paw.

Cluny took the proferred item and stared at it. Finally he looked back up at Redtooth. "A _doll?"_ he spat in disgust.

"Not just any doll, Chief!" Redtooth chirped. "Squeeze it!"

Cluny stared at Redtooth, then at the doll, then at Redtooth, then back at the doll. Finally he gave it a good, hard squeeze, and the doll's eyes buldged out, creating a rather comic effect.

"Heh heh," Cluny said, genuinely amused.

"There, see?" Redtooth said. "With this, you can just squeeze it whenever yer horde gits on yer nerves, so that way you have a way to channel your warlord-ish behavior and still have plenty of hordebeasts to serve you!"

"Heh, y'know, that's a good idea," said Cluny, but he was interrupted by an irate shout.

_"Hey!"_

A tall, skinny ferret with rectangular glasses came out, looking furiously indignant. Looking upwards, he shouted at his human-alter-ego, "That stress doll looks like ME! What's the big idea?!"

"Well," the author said. "The stress doll's eyes were supposed to bug out, and that what your eyes do when I squeeze you, so-"

_"Grrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_ shouted the ferret. _"Haven't I suffered enough?! Where will it all end?! Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"_

* * *

The scene was interrupted by a commerical-like voice, "For all you warlords out there that are short of temper and short on hordebeasts, just purchase this stress doll and you'll find yourself with plenty of hordebeasts to boss around!"

* * *

"Um, yeah," said Redtooth, as he and Cluny and the rest of the horde stared at the hysterically sobbing ferret. "Eh, what are the orders, Chief?"

Cluny blinked and turned his attention back to his horde. "Onto Redwall!"

And so the horde went on to try to conquer Redwall (again), leaving the sobbing ferret behind.

* * *

That line that the stupid rat said, I don't own that either. I got if off of somewhere on the net called "Out of the Mouths of Incompetent Vermin." So yeah.


	6. Aimo Autumnbreeze

**A/N:** I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any canon characters in any way, shape, or form. (Nor do I own any of the Redwall-alter-egos that guys submitted to me, thank you very much) I do, unfortunately, own Sappyhre Riverjewel Nightingale Bluerose. (sigh)

Also, a lot of the humor and dialouge here belongs to LittlePsyhcoWolf, so give her some credit. :)

ALSO, I would like to point that it was warrior4 who suggested that one of the security badgers be named 'Steve' (it was LittlePsychoWolf who insisted that I use it, but it was warrior4 who came up with the idea first). So he kinda owns Steve . . . sort of. I'll work it out. Warrior4 also owns Rector the light-mouse.

* * *

****

**!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!:** The following chapter has a lot of . . . _temper-losing_, so viewer discretion is advised.

* * *

"And we're back," Kelaiah said, mopping his brow. 

This time, although the audience was cheering, they were not chanting 'Kelly'. However, several of the audience members had been tazered in order to subdue them during the past exciting moments.

Up on stage, a snarling Bluefen was being held back by three badger-ladies, Saphyre was being sat upon by five more badger security, and Swartt was being tazered by Steve.

"AACK! NO! BAD STEVE! BAD!" Kelaiah yelled. He pointed his lazer at the badger and Steve stopped tazering Swartt. As the warlord fell from his seat to the floor with little sparks flickering around his fur, the huge badger looked blankly at Kelaiah, who went on a tangent: "What do you think you were doing?! You were only supposed to use though for emergencies, like when the guests get out of control, and Swartt wasn't doing anything! What do you think you were_ doing?!"_

Steve continued to stare blankly at the skinny, bespecticled ferret.

Kelaiah slapped his face into his palm. "Badgers are supposed to be wise and kindly! Why do I get the security force with the collective IQ of a walnut? Why me? Why me?! WHY ME?!"

Steve continued to stare blankly.

Kelaiah scowled. _"Anyway,"_ he snapped, giving one last glare at Steve before turning his attention to the other badgers. "Why don't we allow the ferretmaids to return to their seats? That is, provided that they'll behave better."

Saphyre, who was being suffocated by the five badgers on top of her, readily agreed. Bluefen, after much growling and snarling, finally agreed, and the two of them returned to their seats.

Meanwhile, in the audience, Sunflash the Mace and Skarlath had been seated together, laughing it up at Swartt's predicament.

"Dah ha ha haa! Hey Swartt! How's married life treatin' you? Dah hahahahahahaaa!" roared Sunflash, holding his sides.

"Dah heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeeeee!" giggled Skarlath. "Yeah, how's the _wife?_ Dah hahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaa!"

"AHEM!" shouted Kelaiah.

After giving a few more feeble giggles, Sunflash and Skarlath calmed down.

_"Anyway,"_ Kelaiah snapped. "Now, we were. . . ." the ferret trailed off as he noticed that one of the spotlights was shining _very_ brightly down on him. "Rector, what are you doing?!"

"Trying to get the focus on you," Rector, the spotlight-mouse, called down.

"Well stop it! I don't like it!"

"Hey! I'm the one with the Bloodwrath Beserker Beast Go Headset on, y'know!" the black-eyed mouse threatened.

* * *

**A/N: **For those of you who do not know, warrior4 also came up with the idea of the "Bloodwrath Beserker Beast Go" thing. What that means is that Rector (who is warrior4's alter ego) wears a headset that has a switch that will turn Steve the security badger from a bumbling doofus with the IQ of a doorknob into a raging bloodwrathy beserkish freak. It's a device that's just as scarey as Kelaiah's lazer (which can be MORE than just a lazer, mind you, bwa ha ha ha ha!). 

Ferret-Kel: By the way, Rector, why the name change?

Rector: (unconcerned shrug) Don't ask me - OR ELSE I'LL RELEASE STEVE ON YOU!!!!

Ferret-Kel: OKAY! Okay! Relax, mousey.

Rector: What'd you call me?!

Ferret-Kel: Let's continue on with the show.

* * *

Kelaiah slapped his face into his paw. Muttering a high-pitched voice, "Why me? Why me? _Why me?"_

Finally, the ferret took a deep breath, and continued on, "Now, we were asking the audience some questions before we were interrupted. Now, who's next?"

"ME, that's who!" shouted a vixen from the audience.

"Ah, Nightshade," Kelaiah smiled. He went over and placed the lazer-turned-microphone near the vixen's mouth. "What do you have to say?"

"I just want to say to that ferret, Saphyre Waterstone or whatever her name is-"

"It's 'Saphyre Riverjewel Bluerose'!" shouted Saphyre.

"Whatever," snapped Nightshade. "Anyway, your intended storyline is the worst I ever heard! And as for that part about you becoming Swartt's healer, that's a load of crow feathers! _I'm_ the healer of Swartt Sixclaw, nobeast else!!!"

"Hmph!" said Saphyre, tossing her beautiful gorgeous magnificent head. "No wonder Swartt was so bad; you were leading him astray, you vile vixen!"

_"What?!"_ shouted Nightshade.

"You blinded him with visions of glory in battle, thus ruining any chance he had of living a peaceful, loving life, and you were always goading him into the dark side, well its time to put an end to your evil ways, you horrid-"

**_"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_** said the audience.

"See? Even the audience agrees with me!" Saphyre said happily, smiling and fluttering her eyelashes at the audience.

**_"WE'RE BOOING YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!"_** roared the audience.

Saphyre blinked.

Rector the light-mouse then turned one of the spotlights on Saphyre VERY hard simply because she was annoying him, but unfortunately Saphyre was already so used to her own blazing glory (that is, when she's not sprayed down) that the spotlight didn't faze her. Rector was even more annoyed than ever.

By this time Swartt recovered from his tazering, and managed to get back into his seat, his fur rather disheveled, and proceeded to glare darkly at Steve.

"Alright, quiet! Quiet! QUIET!" shouted Kelaiah over the audience's booing. Finally he whipped out his lazer and **_zap!_** the audience became silenced.

"Okay," the ferret breathed. "Why don't we take some more questions, shall we? Um, here, how about you?" Kelaiah asked a creature whose name, species, and gender will remain anonymous because not one of the reviewers ever said point-blank that they wanted to ask the guests any specific questions. "Any questions for our guests?"

"Er, yes, actually," said the creature. "I have a question for Bluefen: why do you put up with Swartt?"

"Why?" said Bluefen, arching her eyebrow. She took one of Swartt's arms and flexed it. _"That's_ why," she said, smiling smugly.

Kelaiah and Arawolf exchanged a look at that; Ara held up a sign that read: _"Silly Bluefen, always sticking with the big strong guy who couldn't care less."_

Meanwhile, Swartt had been futiley trying to shake his wife off. "Let _go_ of my arm, you little strumpet! I need it to kill things with!" he added, giving Steve another glare.

"Get off the stage, you bloody chauvinist!" Ara catcalled.

"What?!" shouted Swartt, turning his attention to Ara, thus allowing Bluefen to squeeze his biceps (and give Saphyre a few smug looks that said, "You can't have this."). "I never looked down on 'er, you idiotic little minx!"

Saphyre, after glaring at Bluefen, sighed and shook her head at the raging warlord. "I had plans for that too, in my story. Swartt was supposed to realize that females also can be strong and great warriors as well as males because I save his life so many times from all the evil rebelling vermin with my wondrous fighting skills and knowledge with weaponry, and while I tenderly heal his wounds and wrap them up in bandages we both stop and gaze into each other's eyes and-"

"WILL YOU STOP MEDDLING IN MY LOVE LIFE?!" screamed Swartt. 

Bluefen snorted, still squeezing her husband's muscles. "What love life? It's not like you ever-"

"SHUT UP!" ROARED SWARTT, COVERING HER MOUTH WITH HIS FREE PAW (AS YOU CAN SEE, SWARTT HAD GONE INTO "ANGRY CAPS MODE"). "ALL OF YOU!! RARRGH - AUGH!!!"

Once again, Swartt was tazered by Steve.

"NO! BAD STEVE! BAD!" Kelaiah pointed his lazer at the badger and Steve's tazer disappeared.

"Huh?" the badger said, looking at his now-empty paw.

"Steve," Kelaiah said in an authortative voice. "Go sit in the corner. NOW."

Hanging his head and pouting like a dibbun, the big badger went over to a corner.

Swartt was now sitting a bit slumped in his seat, little sparks flying off of his fur.

Bluefen continued squeezing her husband's arm-muscles, while Saphyre looked on with such Sue-ish longing. . . .

"Now then! Let's take some more questions, shall we?" continued Kelaiah.

"Yes! _I _have a question!"

Surprisingly, that came from Saphyre.

"I want to know just _why_ everyone-"

"That's every_beast_, stupid!" shouted Dandin from the audience.

Saphyre glared at Dandin. "I talk how I please! Anyway," she said, proceeding to ignore the furious Dandin, "why _is_ everyone so against my storyline? It's a perfectly lovely story, filled with lost love, true love, adventure, romance, fight scenes, and plenty of hilarious scenes where Swartt tries several different ways to get around to kissing me-"

"You wanna know why we're all so against it?!" shouted an audience member, a squirrelmaid with gray fur and blue-green eyes. "I'll tell ya why we're all so against it!"

"Okay, but before you do, miss," Kelaiah said, walking over and putting his microphone near her mouth. "Could you tell us your name?"

"Kalyn Wordsmith, Kel- er, -aiah."

Kelaiah smirked at the squirrelmaid's obvious hesitation. "And just what would you like to say to our . . ." he trailed off, glancing back at Saphyre, ". . . guest?"

"I'd like to say this, Sue."

_"I'm not a-"_

But Saphyre's words were cut off by Kalyn's.

"Now then," the squirrelmaid began, in a really fast tone. "Since my reality is the world's (that is, Mossflower's) reality and in my reality you are a Sue, that is also the world's reality and since your reality is part of the world's reality which is my reality which is the world's reality in which you are a Sue and since my reality is the world's reality and your reality is part of it my reality is THE reality because. . . ."

It was right about here that Kalyn lost all attention of the studio.

Kelaiah edged over to Ara and muttered out of the corner of his mouth, "Don't you let her backstage, you hear me?"

"Yeah, right," Ara replied in a dazed voice; she was rather freaked out that anybeast could talk the way that Kalyn was speaking.

Finally Kalyn finished her fast-paced speech and nodded in a satisfied manner.

For a very long moment, there was silence.

Then slowly the entire audience began to clap, not so much because they thought that the squirrelmaid had made her point, but that she had been able to carry on like that for so long with a minimum of pausing for air.

"Hmph!" said Saphyre, frowning and tossing her beautiful head again. "Fine! If that's the way you all feel about my story, then I shall have to change it!"

For the first time, the audience actually cheered for Saphyre. But it didn't last long:

"Bluefen," Saphyre said, turning to the other ferretmaid, who was still hugging her husband's muscles. "You can keep your old Swartt, because I am now going to persue Ferahgo the Assassin!"

And with that, Saphyre "magically" transformed herself into an amazingly beautiful weaselmaid with stunningly sleek and glossy gorgeous fur colored a shockingly rich mix of deep auburn and cream, and wonderfully wide chocolate-brown eyes framed with long dark lashes and sparkling with a sheen of diamonds and turquoises. She now wore an exquisite dress made of emerald-green material embroidered with black and gold leafy vines; the only similarity between this gown and the old one was that it still flattered her svelte, fragile, delicate frame in a most flattering sort of way.

The audience went back to booing her, except for three creatures: Ferahgo, who whimpered and slid down into his seat; Urthstripe, who rocked hard with laughter; and Klitch, who also rocked with laughter, but not as much as Urthstripe, because even though the Sue wasn't after him, she could still be his _mother_ - UGH.

"Eh," said Kelaiah, his eyes widening slightly. "Er, Saphyre, I don't think-"

"Don't call me 'Saphyre' anymore!" the ferret-turned-weasel said. "My new name is Aimo Autumnbreeze!"

"Er . . . yeah . . . um, _'Aimo',_ I don't think that's the solution to the problem-"

"No, it's not!" agreed Bluefen. "You didn't improve yourself one bit! You just went from one Sue to another!"

"What?! I did not!" cried Sap- er, "Aimo Autumnbreeze". "This time I'm not replacing anyone's love, I _am_ their love! The book never talked about Ferahgo's wife, and Ferahgo is _so_ handsome and good-looking and dashing and charming, plus he has a son, and that means that he had a wife at one point in time, and I'm sure he loved her very much and she was the reason why he was good in the past, but he death turned him to the ways of evil and-"

**_"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_** roared the audience.

"Aimo," Kelaiah said after the audience stopped booing. "Don't you think it's kinda . . . . well, _pointless,_ giving the warlords these kinds of stories, and trying to make people feel sorry for them? I mean, they're not exactly the type of creatures we should really be shedding tears for."

Aimo blinked slowly. It was obvious she was trying to understand what Kelaiah was trying to get at, but her little tiny brain just couldn't comprehend. Finally she broke down into tears.

"Why does everyone hate me?!" the beautiful weasel femme whined, her humongous chocolate blue-green-flecked orbs filling with tears that would turn lead into gold and heal even a bit from an adder. "Everyone hates me and loves Bluefen! It's not fair!" 

"Maybe it's because I'm a realistic character?" Bluefen suggested smugly.

Aimo left off crying and glared at her, her eyes not the least bit red or puffy (she was still a Sue after all).

"Well!" she said. "At least _I_ didn't give birth to a _NUTCASE!"_

The audience gasped.

There was a moment of silence.

Then Bluefen stood up.

A boxing bell type sound filled the air.

And this time, the badger security did _not_ restrain Bluefen.

* * *

The author would like take this chance to pause the fic and compare Bluefen and Aimo's catfight to the one in the music video "Girl Next Door" by Saving Jane (which can be found on YouTube if any of you wish to know what the Bluefen/Aimo catfight would look like). 

Bluefen would be the "Prom Queen" while Aimo would be the "Girl Next Door", only in this fic, we're rooting for the "Prom Queen" (because she's _Bluefen,_ duh!), and the part where the "Girl Next Door" flies into the air like Wonderwoman, that's what Aimo does, only once she's floating in midair, something happens to her that happens in this one episode on "The King of Queens", where the main character Doug does "the monkey" in the air, only he suddenly topples over in midair, suspended by a rope.

That's what happens to Aimo - as soon as she's in midair, she topples over and hangs helplessly in midair while Bluefen marches back over to her saying, "So, yah want some more, eh?!"

"Help! Ferahgo, darling!" Aimo cried, her long, slender, willowly limbs flailing helplessly as Bluefen pummeled her into the ground.

The assassin weasel stood up in the cheering audience and roared at the top of his lungs, "KILL 'ER! KILL 'ER! _KILL 'ER KILL 'ER KILL 'ER!_ **KIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL HEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

And she did.

* * *

After Bluefen had finished killing the Sue, and after the audience had finished cheering (Klitch cheered loud, but not as loud as Ferahgo, whereas Urthstripe was a bit disappointed that the Sue didn't have a chance to torment the Assassin weasels), Veil, who was also sitting in the audience, stood up and said, "So THAT'S where I get it from! Hey, Swartty, unlike you, my Mom can seriously kick some-" 

Whereupon Swartt roared with fury, cutting off Veil's last word (and coincidentally keeping the program's G rating), and had to be restrained by the security badgers.

"Well!" said Kelaiah after Swartt had been tied to his chair and gagged. "It seems as though your little Mary Sue problem is over with, Mrs. Sixclaw!"

"Yes, it is," Bluefen replied cooly, wiping her paws with a rag one of the badgers supplied her with.

"Is something wrong?" Kelaiah asked, noticing her non-enthusiam.

"Yes. There _is_ something wrong: I've _still_ got problems with my marriage!" Bluefen complained, glaring at Swartt.

"Mmmrf?!" said Swartt, still gagged, staring at his wife.

"You're not romantic enough!" his wife replied, wrinkling her nose at him.

"Hrmf, mrrmf, mrrf, ggrrff, mmff, mmrrrrrfff!" said Swartt, until finally he glared almostly pleadingly at Kelaiah.

"Eh, would somebeast please ungag Lord Sixclaw?" Kelaiah said with the slightest trace of sarcasim.

"What?!" cried Swartt as soon as one of the badgers (Steve) ungagged him. "I'm VERY romantic! I made you that daisy-chain necklace the other day, didn't I?"

"It was a bracelet!" Veil shouted from the audience. "He was too lazy to do a necklace!"

Swartt glared at his son before turning back to his wife. "Well yeah, but still, I made it, didn't I? That's romantic, isn't it?"

Bluefen stared at her husband for a moment.

Then she said, "Nuuuuuuuuu. It's _gay."_

The audience erupted.

Something else also erupted: among the audience there was a young skunk wearing a navy tunic with a black belt by the name of Keith. During the entire show, he had been desperately trying to hold in his . . . well, let's call it his 'stink spray', shall we? And well, it had been rather difficult to do that, but he had been capable of keeping it in so far. But. . . .

What Bluefen said was so amusing that he lost control of himself and--

**_"AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"_** shrieked the audience.

**_"PPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_**

The stink was so overpowering that Kelaiah was forced to evacuate the entire studio.

Isaac the highland hedgehog and Scirus the squirrel had it the worst, though: everybeast had been trying so hard to escape the putrid smell that nobeast bothered to untie them. It was quite awhile before Kelaiah remembered them and sent the badger security back in to retrieve them (the badgers had on gas masks, in case you're wondering).

As for Keith, the poor skunk was _mortified_, and to top it all off, he had to be escorted out another doorway by a group of gas-mask-wearing badgers.

* * *

After the show was over and everybeast went home, Kelaiah sat in the break room with Arawolf the pine marten and Rector the mouse, sipping water from a styrofoam cup.

"Not bad for my first episode, eh?" he asked the other two.

They shrugged. "Could've been better."

"Hey! I'd like to see you try better!"

"Alright, fine then, I will! Hmph!"

"AAARRGGGH!" Kelaiah tackled the other two beasts and they got into a huge fight. Why? Because that is what they do best. :D

**The End**

**

* * *

**

**A/N:** Hope you enjoyed this fic! Special thanks to all those who helped me write this stupid fic! THANKS YOU GUYS!

Oh yes, and it was warrior4's idea to use the boxing bell type sound before a huge catfight ensued (en-SUE-d, eh? Haha, to quote LittlePsychoWolf: "I make pun.")

One more thing: what was your favorite part/line/event? Just curious.

Personally my favorite part was where Bluefen called Swartt 'gay' LOL.


End file.
